My mom has been appointed Teaching Director for our local Community Bible Study, which is pretty cool. Since part of the job is writing dozens of cards for birthdays and condolences and thinking of yous and whatnot, she asked me if I would be interested in creating some blank cards for her.
Which is great; I’d love the excuse to make all sorts of simple artworks and not have them hanging around the house. I’d even get a little money for them.
Problem is, she also keeps suggesting that I could sell them more generally: put them online, or talk to the guy who runs our synagogue’s book store about carrying them. And every time she mentions it I can feel every muscle in my brain tense and contract and tighten as much as possible. (The book store idea in particular is very many different kinds of scary, which is actually a little mysterious given that the gentleman in question is a peach.)
This happened when I first got my Silhouette. I’d be telling someone about this cool new gadget I had (or was getting) and how fun it was to play with and they’d suggest I could sell my art and no. Conversation over.
I don’t understand why everyone has to make that leap from an exciting happy creative topic to a big dark scary topic. That’s not at all fair.
And yes, I know this is anxiety. I think it centers around self-promotion rather than just posting things for sale. (I set up my zibbet shop without much trouble, but I tend to avoid telling people about it – and if I do tell them about it I do my best to act like it isn’t important.)
And I suppose in an ideal world, I would be calling Dr Stake or Dr Marcie and attacking it with everything I’ve got. But I’m not. Not now, anyway. This isn’t interfering with my life enough to be worth the emotional work it would take, especially given that my productivity is likely to go down over the next few years as we have more children. And I am taking baby steps in the right direction.
(Admittedly I do rather wish I’d noticed it in high school, since I suspect it did interfere with my life then. But that was then and this is now.)
So. I’ll make the cards. I’ll probably even put my information on the backs and maybe post a few sets on zibbet and if people want to buy them they can. But for now, I’d really rather not do anything scary.