Recent events have brought to light yet another set of lies and hurts that have been lurking in my brain and holding me back. This one was started by a teacher in elementary school (this teacher was a bit overbearing in any case, and then our personalities clashed badly, so it didn’t end well) and worsened somewhat by other factors within my family. I’m not entirely certain what effect the hurt was having, but it seems to be related to the emotional struggle I go through whenever I have to clean or organize the house.
Normally, once I’m aware of such a hurt, I can find ways to deal with it quite effectively, whether through prayer or therapy or whatever seems appropriate. This time, the hurts were wrapped in a couple of lies that made that harder: that this should have been sorted out ages ago, that this was very important, and that it was up to me and no one else to sort it out. In this case, I saw asking for help as a failure. Also in this case, I was convinced that if I ever did figure it out, everyone would be mad at me for not doing so years ago.
So I was stuck.
Last night, one memory surfaced (my brain tends to block traumatic memories) and at first I was going to call my mom and tell her what to say to make it better. (Because I had to fix it.) Hero asked if I had prayed about it, and I said I didn’t think I could (because that’s asking for help), so he came over and prayed for me to be able to pray, and held me while I cried.
I’ve also recently been talking to God about faith and not leaning on my own understanding and failing fast. I figure the sooner I can come to the end of myself and rely entirely on God, the sooner He can answer me. So as I cried some of these phrases flitted through my head, and I started praying them. Admitting that I had no idea how to fix the problem, and asking God to do it for me.
And He did. Suddenly the tears stopped and my breathing slowed and the wave of emotion just wasn’t there any more. It just stopped. I can still feel it – a part of my mind that feels light and relaxed. It’s rather like only one section of my brain is drunk.
I immediately felt that I wanted to paint. So Hero went to the gym and I got out some paints.
I painted over this monstrosity:
To make this:
Linking to Paint Party Friday.
I used Liquitex basics paints in mars black, dioxazine purple, light blue violet hue, white, and gold. I’m not entirely sure how stable it is, given that there’s a little oil pastel under there, but it should be okay. Probably. I don’t think it’s done, but I really have no idea. It’ll wait.
Honestly, it feels really good just to have painted over it. That thing was bugging me.